Initially I wanted to title it "On Relationship". Boring. I believe I first heard "incel" from porn.
Anyway, when a poor man talks about minimalism (in terms of consumption), it will typically be ridiculed. Along the same line of word inventing, I guess people will call him "inmin". Life is a combination of luck, motivation, effort, and talent, among other factors. Luck and talent are obviously out of our control, but even effort, the most controllable factor, is predominantly a function of motivation. No wonder why Feynman said, motivation is everything.
Motivation is vital for making good things come true. For contributing to the world, paying forward, so to speak. But on the other end of the spectrum, motivation can also be deadly, that lures the victim to decadence, or even hedonism, like what drugs do to addicts - they are motivated to do anything to get their hands on the substance. In a way, motivation is synonymous with desire, and thus, it's not necessarily good or bad, it can be either. And unfortunately, it's built into our genes, it's the "reward circuit", and it's an absolute double-edged sword.
I wanted, or at least, was mentally preparing myself, to be living alone, and it's far from the worst things I've seen around. Does that qualify as voluntary? Doesn't matter. Here's my reasoning: I am the kind of person who requires sufficient motivation to perform. The fact that I haven't taken any action in this department indicates a very low level of innate motivation. And thus, I don't expect that I'll perform, and the consequence of entering but not performing would be dire. Not would that affect both parties (plus their parents), but will be devastating to the children, if that's in the equation.
And not only have I not pursued life partners, my leaving the States was also a decision that I made where the wellbeing of offspring was not in consideration. Another indicator that I'm innately unfit.
Again, when I don't feel something, I can't do it well, and if it's a personal matter, the damage is well-constrained within myself. Not so in a relationship. And
A kind friend of mine, hearing the above, was pissed. "You'll regret it". And I can't prove him wrong. How can I disprove that? There's no way that I can prove that I won't regret choosing not to do something. After all, I am interested in women, and fond of loving parent-child relationships. But what I've seen and heard so far all warns me that it's very hard, or tricky, to do it right, and I can't afford failing.
"Do what nature teaches us," said the same friend. He holds a simple, and elegant model of relationship that I'll refer to as the "leader-muse" model. It's also a highly executable/actionable model, and that's why it works well, for certain people. Fang, my hero, found his love of life in a way that fits the model perfectly.
But the cold hard truth is, this model only works for very special people, and even special people don't always have that worked out (as a random example, Uma Thurman was Tarantino's muse, but they don't have to be life partners. And in theory, one doesn't really have to marry his muse, does he?)
For the record, I did start doing something, an informal hangout with someone via family referral. It didn't work, surprise. My friend recommended "meetup" platforms, and I think that could be a good starting place. It's not dating apps, just being part of a social life, who knows, it could be a positive change.
My failed graduate school/academic path, if anything, gave me one lesson: don't be an overachiever entering a world that you don't have true passion (or equivalently, talent) in. One of my adviser once said, "Research is like marriage, you have to show commitment." For me, back then, graduate school was the thing to do for a college kid with good grades. I grew a lot in graduate school, no regret there, but I learned that in order to truly live a world, fully engaged, you have to mean it, no single ounce of self-deception.
And I'm afraid I can't juggle everything a man needs, because I only feel one thing now, what I do. I'm clueless what a woman needs, how to make the family safe and happy. When I was clueless about graduate school, things didn't work out eventually, not because I was utterly incompetent, but it was easy giving it all up. Yes, giving up a career path was kind of easy, but giving up people, esp. kids, that I can't bear. That is the conundrum.
To the friend, I'm not giving up. I'm not going rogue. I just need to think and feel, to search the soul, so to speak. In the meanwhile, it doesn't block me from just meeting people, but it won't be about the special kind of relationships. I like fun as well, after all.
I wish one day, I do truly feel the need to have someone, and when I come to think of it, there's only pure passion and energy, not a ball of potential problems. And if that day never comes (it's a possibility), then I can say, I'm officially a voluntary incel.