Fuck. Now that I'm writing more notes (in Obsidian), I've almost forgot about the blog. True, I've been writing more overall, but I know writing in public, at least knowing that it's publicly accessible, provides an irreplaceable mental condition that I believe is important for continued improvement.
Anyway, let's do a life catching up that's long overdue.
Self-care
Dry eye is a bitch. The thing is, I think it has been there for a long time, but I was confusing it with exhaustion, namely something mental rather than physiological. But eventually the symptoms got bad enough for me to recognize that, even after a night's sleep, the sensation was still there, and thus it couldn't be due to tiredness.
Therefore, I wish I took action much sooner. Applying better eye hygiene, using eye drops (artificial tear) etc. I know hot compress with a towel provides quick and effective symptom relief, but it doesn't last long. No noticeable benefit by using eyelid wipes, but it probably doesn't hurt. Air humidifier on dry days I think helps to some unknown extent. But of course, the most important factor is screen time. And it turns out to also be the most difficult to control factor. Because it's deeply integrated into both work, learning, and entertainment. You can't realistically stop it, unless it becomes an emergency, god forbid. More time spent outdoors is a practical measure for sure. Remember to blink more often before the eyes start to feel dry, it's also difficult.
Perhaps the silver lining is that, I started more semi-regular physical exercises as a way to reduce screen time. Running mostly, slow progress though.
Been transitioning away from uHabits (aka. Loop) to Todoist, for habit tracking. The free version lacks the "reminder" feature, but I think it really isn't a habit if you depend on alarm-like reminders. I just need to check the "Today" page more often, and set reminders in the stock app if necessary.
Why I moved away? Because uHabits tries to measure habit-forming using a score, which is bound to fail, and it focuses on the past, the curve, the heatmap, the streaks, which can all be motivating, but ultimately, habits are not about the past, but the current and more importantly, the future. And I particularly like how Todoist lists all the overdue tasks, in fact that's the single most important measure in a habit-forming quest. One can produce year-long streaks, but then stop it altogether just like that. Past habits can still leave impacts today, no doubt, but that's all just the aftermath that's already done. What we want to focus on, is if we can form habits now that will create more of such causes that impact our future.
I still think uHabits is helpful, but I'm leaning towards an emphasis of what I do today, not dwelling much on what I have done in the past. People think the past, the track record, is a great motivator for the present. I think it's true to some extent, but it guarantees nothing, absolutely not. I also think that ultimately, gamification falls short, because it creates a false proxy of reward that in the end, distracts instead of directs. Todoist also has some gamification (known as karma), but it's not in your face, but in the background - the curve of score isn't the primary cue that you are after. It's actually checking those items off that's at the center of the stage, day in, day out.
P.S. a note on the approach of using a score curve: it's too arbitrary, and moreover, what happens when you reach 100%? It clearly doesn't guarantee the success of a habit formation, and what's next? Either "it's all downhill from here, or, if you manage to keep at the effort reliably, it's just flatlining, boring, depressing even. That's why I think using the score curve (and ring) as the primary cue in uHabits falls short. I think heatmap is actually more helpful. Again, don't ever trick yourself into believing that the complex process of habit-forming is tractable by a single scalar (or a function that computes such a value daily). I believe bad information is worse than no information.
But emotionally, I'm still thankful for the app, I remember I told people I liked it because if I broke a streak, I only got a dip along the curve, instead of thinking that I've failed and I'm too weak for this.
Meditation. Started doing it fairly regularly, inspired by our team leader. Insight Timer, offers more than enough guided clips for free, so that's what I've been using.
I think I do start to see the tip of the iceberg now. The centered, balanced, awareness of the feelings and the mind itself. Reduced anxiety and mental chaos. It calms me, to say the least. But at the same time, calmness is really the best we can ask for from a low-key activity you can do by just sitting in a quite place.
It's mostly about letting go, of all the flashbacks of life events, and instead, observe them as entities of external, you are not embedded in them yourself. It's not about ignoring them, or forgetting them. But training to feel them as you feel anything around you, that is not your core of soul. And what is the core of your soul? That's a quest for next.
And in the process, I believe finding good analogies are very helpful. Observing traffic on a busy street (used by Headspace); Cloud vs. the blue sky beyond (Headspace). Floating leaves in a stream of water, that's another one. And my own analogy so far is to make myself the water itself, instead of an entity that's observing the water, or similarly, to make myself the space of the street, rather than someone overlooking from far away.
This analogy might look too "in the face", after all, the point is learning to let go, to detach ourselves, that's why it's common to use the observer from afar as a symbol of this removal. But there's a Chinese saying, 大隐隐于市, the real getaway is in the populated. In order to come to true peace with life, one has to be eventually comfortable with everything in it, and like all the creatures in the water, if you only act as another entity outside water, removed from that chaos or even danger, then you have still not come to peace with it, you're simply taking a break. Which is still vital, and very much needed for people who have been harmed by the busy life; so these two approaches are not mutually exclusive, but instead, two distinct phases of meditation. When one eventually becomes the water itself, the fear will then truly go away. A creature outside water still runs the risk of falling into it; the water itself has no more risk of such, the water is fearless, it's just the medium that makes possible all the creatures, which correspond to the life events, but the medium, the modules of hydrogen oxide, cannot be destroyed no matter what stunts are performed by the creatures within.
And I'm not saying I'm already there, I'm only taking baby steps. But I thinking getting to know the philosophy will help in the long run.